These are the people in my neighborhood

It's times like this, I wish I could draw.

I just went out to redeem my coupon for a free coffee at my local corporate coffeeshop (coupon!), and my neighborhood was teeming with all kinds of amazing (read: shocking) people. At 3:00 on a Wednesday afternoon! I'll stick to the highlights and refer you to a prior post about my love of the overheard/seen.

A woman in line was wearing the most eye make-up I've ever seen on someone who wasn't about to take a curtain call. She was also wearing a necklace that had a big, puffy heart/locket thing that was covered in diamonds. But when I say covered, I mean CUH-UHVERED. I think when it caught my eye, I actually said "wow" out loud, only I stopped myself at "Wuh" because I didn't want to be rude.

A sheriff in uniform asked me if I was in line, and then muttered something about not being able to figure out which way the line was going. And that made me nervous. Because he's an enforcement official on duty, and he couldn't figure out how to get in line. (Trust me when I wrinkle my nose and say to you, it wasn't a vague situation.)

There was a man sitting at a table, and it looked like he'd finished his hot beverage some time ago. He was slowly reviewing the contents of his wallet, but I think he really wanted to be checking people out. I don't know if it was the eye job or the hair plugs that he'd recently gotten (or neither), but he was moving quite slowly.

MAN UNDERGOING WALLET REVIEW (inside voice): Let's see here... valet parking stub. Yes. (Slowly moves it to the back of the stack.) Another parking stub. Right. (Back of the stack.) Hm. What's this? (Slowly unfolds piece of paper. Looks closely.) Prescription. Hmm. (Reads.) Yes. Yes. Well. (Folds. Moves to back of stack. Looks up without moving his head.) Who is that? (Moves eyeballs left.) And what is he doing here? (Absent-mindedly and without looking moves the next item to the back of the stack.) Parking stub. Yes. Hm, another prescription?

I looked away at this point. How many stubs and prescriptions can one fellow have, for crying out loud? Seriously. He freaked me out.

Across from him was a skinny blonde dude who had his laptop open, and he was reading something on it while cutting an apple with a knife. Like a kitchen knife. Like a knife he'd brought with him from home to cut his apple into little wedges one at a time. I had to look away from this almost immediately for about twelve thousand reasons. I must've not gotten full-on scared because there was a sheriff right there, but I think I forgot it was a man who didn't know how getting in line works.

There was a guy with face tattoos, and the bank manager Steve and his frosted tips, and the little dog wearing a sweater who was tied up outside and craning his little neck to see his owner (Awwwww!). But, the capper was, as I was walking home, I saw a woman walking into the gym whose workout pants were so low on her hips, not only did I feel like a prude and all embarrassed just looking at her, but I also felt like I had to add her to my list of people I've had intimate relations with. I saw that much. Dear Diary, today I saw a lady's special parts. And I didn't even mean to. Love, Dr. B.

Sing along, everyone: Sooooo, those are the people in my neighborhood. The people that I meet. Each. Day!