Thursday, November 09, 2006

Knitscene uses wily tactics

I've made a commitment recently, and it is this: no magazines. It's very simple. Magazines instantly become pillars of shame all around my home. And I don't like shame. Shame steenks.

I don't need piles of glossy papers taunting me for not reading them, not clipping them, not living by their guidelines. I've made the mistake before (in the not-too-distant past). And you know what? When I've got magazines in my house, people come over and ask what smells. And I have to say, "Oh that? Huh! I don't know! It can't be the smell of the shame emanating from those neglected magazines, can it? Because that would just be ridiculous." And then I covertly kick a magazine or two under a couch.

So, I've made a commitment to not renew, order, or let magazines into my home. No magazines past the velvet ropes, thank you very much.

But Knitscene somehow got past my guys at the door.

I'm sure when it sidled up, my guys looked right past it. And I imagine it was quite cocky at this point. "Come on. You're not gonna let me in? I'm a Special Issue. And, I've got a Latina on my cover."

And my guys were like, "Sorry. The doctor has given us strict orders not to allow any magazines in."

Then it probably changed tactics (because it's crafty) and was all, "You know what? You look like you could use a nice bag. Check out my page 20."

"And your ears must get cold out here sometimes." And then it pointed to the hat on that same dirty page 20.

I'm sure my guys then said, "Those are very nice, but you're going to need to step back. You're not getting in."

At this point, I imagine it kinda started losing its shit a little bit, flipping the page, "Doesn't the doctor need a cute cabled hoodie for just kicking around? Look! Page 23! She'll love it!"

My guys are good. They're really good. They stayed strong. "Yes, the doctor would like a hoodie, but not when its pattern comes in the form of a full-color, 105-page magazine."

But then -- and this is just my best guess -- I'm betting the magazine really went inward, thought carefully, and unleashed:

"You like flowers, don't you?"

The killer! That did them in. I just know it. As I said, my guys are good, but no one - NO ONE - can resist these flowers. Or their free online pattern.

I'm not letting any other issues in. I swear it. So Interweave Press, creators of Knitscene, can just suck it. Suck it, IP!

(Hey also, when you come by, don't mention the smell. It's rude.)


vt said...

I feel your magazine pain. It's a slippery slope there, so be careful. I'm loving the mag you got though. Now I want it. Though I realize the dangers of mags, I freely allow them into my house, however. They take over my dining room table, pile up by my bed, and often get eaten by my dogs. They're an evil pleasure for me. Much like chocolate, beer, and Jackass - my other 3 favorite things.

Nano said...

What a coincidence. I recently went on a magazine diet. No more dust collecting space taking publications for me. I've been good too. I don't even thumb through them at newstands, to avoid temptation. But now, since you so kindly pointed out some of the styles and forced me to go look at the Knitscene webpage, I'm sure my car will go on autopilot after work tomorrow and find it's way to the magazine stand and force me to buy that issue. Thanks.

Nora said...

I think the good doc needs better security...

missliz said...

So glad to hear someone else has the same magazine problem I do! And with a gigantor newstand on half the corners you drive by, how can you resist!!! I've recently turned a bunch of my favorites and some oversize quilting books into a couch-side table. That way I don't feel so guilty about keeping them around.

alib said...

I feel your shame. No really I do. But at the moment I am on the other end of that spectrum. I love all the new very arty magazines and I cannot resist them...they make me so happy...even tho' I have been on a crafting diet now for almost a year! Mmmmmm all those magazines and fabulous ideas just waiting for me to binge on them when I am free from my narrative-imposed restriction (yes, I did say binge!)
And anyway, that's what all those shelves are good for.... (you gotta get yourself a craft room milady:-)